an occurance at Jeri's Jumbo's Cafe and other stories

--first of all, sorry for the 1.5 month lag. it's getting critical for my lack of funds and Chingo dreams has been re-prioritized down the list a bit. I'll do my best to put things up as they come into my head. Believe me though, the crazy shit has been coming with a fury lately (ask will henry) due to my recent sickness.
last night was nutty so it came in wierd fragments. and i might be evil to the core. we'll see.
here we go.

1)I'm at this semi-formal dinner where some fancy waiters are serving us really hoity-toity type dishes. peppered throughout the dinner are a few ultimate players, the odd thing is that we're in this concentric circle formation. People's ages decrease as we get to the center so the middle table is filled with 5-6 year olds, still dressed to the nines. sitting next to me is Ron Kubalanza and he's just wolfed down his filet mignon. I ask him what the big hurry is and he gets this glint in his eye. he points under the table and shows me a sack of discs. What the hell are these for? He takes one out and whips a huge blade at the table sending kids scattering and food flying. Sounds like fun. I grab a few and we have a shitload of laughs drilling little kids with discs and watching them stopping, dropping, and rolling to get out of the way.WAKEY

2)I'm sleeping in my room when i see a creepy bum looking to break in. he's trying to break the glass to get in and i'm scrambling to find my HIDE-A-CHUCKS that are near my bed, while trying to get my contacts in. (in my head i'm thinking, "Damn you Will Henry and Ben Wiggins for not buying me a firearm for my birthday"). As he barges in, i notice he's a normal sized bum with a little drunken waddle. he holds out this dinky little knife as he asks me for my wallet. my first instinct is to tell him that he's probably got more money in his shoe than i do in my bank account, however, i have a shit-ton of pent up aggression and i didn't get these chucks for show.
while he's looking at my desk for valuables. (i have none) i unscrew the chucks and swing for the fences. Thwack. Night-Night time for Mr. Bum. I stand over him and decide it would be cool to carve my initials into his forehead. Wakey Wakey. what the fuck is wrong with me?

3)I'm at my house in Twin Falls and i'm eating dinner with Rowan Sill. the phone rings and it's Courtenay Barlow. Sweet. she says that she can't make dinner, but she's sending her friend over to take her place. Lame. I've made my special EGGSERONIUS (anything goes omelet) and we're about to eat when i hear a knock on the door. i open the door and it's SHARON STONE. rad. i tell her that she was the bomb in Total Recall after dinner we're talking and i have to clean up the kitchen. when i come out noone is there so i do some investigating. i turn a corner to my bedroom to see Sharon and Rowan making out. TOTALLY FUCKING SWEET. how do i get involved? this dream rips past pg-13 to rated X with a bullet as we run the gambit of the dirtiness in a 3 -ring circus of carnal deliciousness. Wakey Wakey. i'm in a full sweat. girls are rad.


4)I'm at an exectutive meeting at a publishing house. apparently i'm trying to get a book i've written published and these suits are fucking with me. i'm dressed like ben affleck during his job interview scene in Good Will Hunting. I've got nothing to lose and i'm broke as a joke (just like real life). my book starts with three short stories of four interesting and odd people.

the first two, are teenage twins, brother and sister, who can heal any sickness by taking a earthworm and wiping it across the brow of the inflicted person. these twins need the earthworms to live and to go 2-3 days without eating one manifests in their own painful sickness.

then next is a dirty homeless man that carries a filthy jar filled with a decomposing brain. he claims it is the brain of Stephen Hawking. people write off this man because he is drunk and trying to shout his knowledge to the world, however, he has yet to be wrong about anything.

the last is a warmhearted and gentle young mormon woman that is excommunicated from her church for asking the wrong questions and challenging her faith.

the fourth short story is what happens when they all meet in a small Pocatello, Idaho diner called Jeri's Jumbo's Cafe. Nothing will ever be the same.


WAKEY WAKEY


--seriously, i'm messed up.

thread? how about a ChokeSlam!

all of the events of last night's dream take place in the Twin Falls community K-mart (which is currently having a 20% off sale of Martha Stewart everyday dinnerware and accessories)

I'm walking through the double doors where all your dreams can come true, and are usually discounted. I know what i need, a spool of thread--diamond foil, which is hard to come by these days. I start walking the aisles, because that's how you find the random cool shit at K-mart.
I find myself in the Pharmacy and Medical dept. and see two ratty looking kids opening up some boxes and giggling. As i step closer, i see that they have somehow aquired an Otoscope and are jabbing it into each other's eyes instead of their ears. I get a closer look and noticed that they have both acquired sub-conj hemes. I find their mother and give her the ole, 'hey do you know what your kids are doing' routine. She gets fiesty and asks who the hell i am to teach her how to 'mother'
I tell her that i work with eyes and that the kids are hurting themselves. she says, 'you don't look like a fucking doctor to me'. i reply, 'you don't look like a FEMALE to me, good luck with your kids.' and roll out. These are the kids that usually start huffing gas out of a rag and chucking M-80's at each other by the time they're 10.

I make my way towards the sporting goods dept. and lose my marbles when i see that they are selling replica Glaves. (the badass mentally- controlled ninja-star in Krull). 'this shit is for real' ,i think ,as i hit the middle button and SHIIIING! out fly the razor sharp blades. I throw it towards some styrofoam beer coolers hoping that it will obey my flight commands mentally, however, it just destroys the coolers and sticks into a bike seat in the next aisle. Shit. I'm going to have to practice. i put 5 of them in my cart knowing that these would be handy for the upcoming Vegas tourney. (and a good gift for my Icehole buddies--Will, Ron, Bruss, Tyson....et al)

i'm zipping through the store getting closer to the Thread when i see that they're handing out free slush puppies. fuck yeah, i grew up on these. as i'm strolling down and double-fisting my goods i also take note of the sale on ProWings shoes. (if you've never had a pair of ProWings (especially the knock-off Air Jordan ones)-- then you wouldn't understand, my friend).

the slushies had no shot, and i realize this as i have to already take a piss. that, or my meds are kickin' in. so i find the back door to the shady bathroom area of the K-mart in the back. i'm lost immediately and hear some kind of ruckus as i bob and weave through the boxes.
I round a corner and it opens up to a full- sized WWF- style wrestling ring to the muthafuckin' max. two skinny ass kids are going at it and i'm mesmorized. as i sidestep through the small crowd i hear chants of 'fresh fish, fresh fish!'. shit.
before long i'm escorted into the ring, but i'm not too worried because i'm certain i could kick the crap out of the skinny skater punk that would probably get in the ring. Not so. as none other than Jimmy Superfly Snuka steps into the ring and starts prancing around. This is bad.

i'm already starting to slither through the ropes back to the real world when two ham-fisted hands grab me by the throat and initiate, everyone's favorite, the CHOKESLAM.
a few seconds later, as my brain is recoiling, i look up to see the Superfly standing on the top turnbuckle ready to deliver a serious Swoop and Pummel on my ass.

I'm thinking at this point, ABORT!ABORT!ABORT!


WAKEY WAKEY

there is a god.

Airwolf goes to Perth

1)i'm working as a fill-in optometrist at Sears in Tacoma. (imagine whitetrash Disneyland-- yeah, that's exactly what it is). I'm late because of traffic and there's a shitload of people in the waiting room. Everyone is antsy and cranky as i examine them, they're all a little crazy this morning, but i'm not suspect because it can get like that sometimes.
I somehow make it to lunch and decide to go for a stroll through the store. i'm heading for the video games area as i notice that all of the employees look like they've been up all night. maybe these guys really do get down in Tacoma. When i get to the Video Games dept. i see a pretty attractive woman and she's KILLING it on super mario bros. 3. It looks like she is playing at 78 Rpm. while she's still playing, and not missing a beat, i ask her if she's a Savant or something. she looks at me without a smile and says that she doesn't get much sleep. I tell her to call in sick once in a while, and she chuckles, ' yeah right'. I ask when she gets off and she responds, 'you're great, but i can't go out with you.' Shit. like i've never heard that before. now i can't even pull a vidiot chick. 'It's the seminary for me', i think to myself as i slither back to the Optometry dept.
when i get there i have a patient with the first name Francesca. I tell her she has a great name and we start the exam. she's really deliberate in her answers and want's to know about everything. during the exam, she mentions that her boyfriend is picking her up soon. his name is Paolo. I tell her i'm impressed with their devotion to the Dante Classic. As she leaves the office she whispers to me, ' You're lucky, you can leave this place. This whole damn Sears is Purgatory. No shit, Purgatory. i'm the same Francesca that was killed by my husband when he found me with Paolo.' ----'yep', i think to myself, it's time for me to go. i fake avian flu-like symptoms and pick up my check as i leave, noticing that i'm getting paid in DUCATS--what the fuck?

2)i'm doing an off-season track workout--(yeah right) when i notice none other than JAN MICHAEL VINCENT (of Big Wednesday and Airwolf fame) approaching me. he says that he's a big fan of ultimate and is considering sponsoring us. Sweet dude. he says the only thing is that he doesn't want us to play as 'Sockeye'. he wants us to be TEAM AIRWOLF and our uniforms to be the yellow tracksuit from Game of Death. in exchange, he pays or our plane tickets. Sick.
i'm all for it, but will Sam C-K be down for it? JMV tells me that this is a onetime offer and he needs an answer right now.
I call Sam and he seems a little hesistant; he claims that he doesn't know what Airwolf is?
Whuuuuuut!!??? A sweet ass attack chopper with missles and chainguns and shit? JMV killing the ladies as Stringfellow Hawke and his sidekick Ernest Borgnine? the creepy Government dude with the eyepatch?
shit!

WAKEY WAKEY

Bestbuy is the devil.

i've recieved my computer back today, sans original motherboard.(good thing i never backed anything up.)
ChingoDreams will be back and i'll sleep with hate in my heart tonight.
we'll see what happens.

dude, these 'spider bombs' are harsh.

This one digs deep into the characters of my head.

We’re at my old house in Twin Falls,ID. The one I grew up in (ages 4-16). i’m downstairs tidying up the ‘dojo’ and people are hanging out with keg cups and whatnot. Most of these people are very young, from junior high, and I’m pissed because I don’t want to be having a party right now. There’s a shitload of music coming from upstairs and people are stumbling in from there talking about ‘the crazy shit’ going on upstairs.

I better get a look for myself.

I walk into the main area of the house as Michael Jackson’s Thriller starts to play. There are 20-30 people everywhere, but the funny thing is that everyone is frozen in place. drinks still in hands and shit. They all have a blank stare and mouths open like a goddamn ‘pod person’ from the body snatchers. I see my buddy Josh Klinsky and ask him what the fuck is going on. He says ‘everybody is doing it man’ and points to a circle of 5 spider bombs that are shooting spider poison into the air. WTF? These people need to get out right now.

I hear some giggling in my bedroom and step in to investigate. There’s a small groups of girls
( super hot, mormon ones from my junior high—Michelle Stander, Nichol Cox, Julie Stubbs) watching a home video of the Miss O’leary Junior High pageant. These girls are all losing they’re shit and talking about how cute the dresses are. I want them out. Now. As I’m herding them out, Julie says , ‘look, Courtenay Barlow is up next’ , and I see her walking down a staircase in a classic 80’s dress to the song ‘ You are Everything’ by the Stylistics. (A huge Wonder Years moment). I find myself engaged in the moment and sit down on the bed.

Moments go by when, suddenly, my good college friend, Shaun Lucas grabs me and says we’re playing some B-Ball at Harmon Park. I’m in. As we’re walking to the park (which is about a block away) Shaun is telling me that he might have killed someone in Vegas and that it’s very important to not mention his name during my whole Vegas trip. Sweet, dude. I don’t need this kind of pressure right now, guy.

When we roll up to the park, we meet up with A-ron (seattle mojo guy) and a 4 year old Ralphie Hopkins (brother of Steve Hopkins –my main crime partner when I was 7-9 years old). Ralphie is always tyring to hang out with the big kids and is always in the way.

We’re on this shitty court, but Shaun and A-ron are dunking effortlessly. I’m excited because I can grab the rim pretty easily and I’m making every shot I attempt. We’re playing a mean game of horse when we see Ralphie on top of the other basketball rim.

What the hell? Ralphie says ‘check this out, guys’ and does a flip off of the rim only to land on his shoulder and hurt himself real bad. Now we’re fucked. Ralphie is crying and Shaun and A-ron take off. Thanks fellas. I pick up Ralphie to take him home when I see some of the old Idaho State guys scrimmaging at the park. My buddy Porter comes up and says they’re getting SMOKED by the Univ. of Idaho and they need my help. (have they seen me play goaltimate? I suck) I look at Ralphie and he says, ‘Those U of I guys are jagoffs.’ And gives me the classic thumbs up.

WAKEY WAKEY

Thanks Ralphie. You tough bastard.

Ralphie or ‘Ralph’ is now 25 and a father of 3. He’ll always be 'Ralphie' to me though.

sorry for the lag folks.......

i just wanted to say that i'm sorry for the lag in chingo dreams lately. my computer is apparently sitting on a shelf at BestBuy and all the 'techs' are sitting around it banging on drums praying that the part will fix itself.
apparently, that's how shit is done there.

out of the kindness of her heart, my dear housemate, Gwen, has lent me her machine to type a few things. Actually, you have to pry her away from it because she's got 3 million things going on at one time. That's what happens when you're the queen of ICultimate. Get yours. having already forgot most of the messed up dream from last night i will write a few highlights and promise to be back in the saddle soon.

here's what i had. i went to bed late and there was alot of unrelated shit mashed together:
1. Being on a Television game show. the girl next to me had issues keeping her breast in her shirt. I was trying to tell her that her funbag was falling out be we never went to commercial and it was kind of funny because she was being a bitch. oops.

2.someone mailing me a cursed voodoo package with skulls, weird powder, human hair and a preserved baby head. um, ok?

3.Having to fly to Texas because my Grandma Ester was caught in a house fire. that sucked.

4.eating at a mexican restaurant and watching the waiter hit on some gentleman's girl at the table. unbeknownst to the waiter, the gentleman was a big mexican mafia guy with a small temper. when the guy returns from the restroom he drags the waiter out to the parking lot and pulls a huge wooden spear from the trunk of his car. he impales the waiter in front of the main window of the restaurant screaming 'is this what you wanted?' to the dead waiter.
he calmly returns to his table and resumes eating.

5.finding out that they remade the International Scout (one of the most boss vehicles of all time--if you can find parts for them) and going to a car lot to try it out. while i'm driving it, i notice that i can't reach the clutch fully, but i say 'fuck it' and take it out anyway. so i'm rolling pretty tuff down the street when the radio announces it's 'MANDATORY METALLICA' and i start rockin' out and headbangin' and shit. in the middle of the song 'The Four Horseman' i miss the clutch and slam into a small homo euro car. shit.

WAKEY WAKEY.

that's all i had. i'm lame, but not as lame as BESTBUY.

Mr. Poopy has done it again?

a lame computer and an actual work schedule has kept me out of the chingo dreams for a bit.
not much was missed. a few ditties where women were kissed. except Courtenay Barlow who merely popped up in 'guest appearance' style. some Idaho State Alums drinking gasoline. and hobnobbing with the Warriors (Coney Island that is). standard fare.

last night's was a mix of Potlatches of the past, and maybe the future. and short. damn.

I'm driving (quickly) through Washington in the Shark (my 79' Camaro--Z28). My passengers are Gwen Ambler and Toaster(C.hayden?) (some old drinking pals from Hawaii worlds). i'm a little worried because they're trying to tap a pony keg in the back seat, the front seat's footspace is covered with ice and Chivas Regal, and i'm pretty sure that i might have a firearm in the 8-track holder under my right elbow. After a driving scene, resembling the end of 'Lost Highway', we roll into the familiar 60- acre field parking lots. i just need to get my tent up so we can relax and throw down a few drinks. It literally takes 3 seconds to toss the "Puptent" into the air, and i'm pulling out a lawn chair to relax when Ron Kubalanza shows up. He looks like he's in a rush and hands me a VHS copy of The Great Outdoors (one of my favorites--with the ole 96'er). and tells me to hang on to it. uh, sweet? minutes later a few policeman show up asking questions and i clam up on some details and might even throw some spanglish in there so i can get them to take off.
What at first seem to be fireworks, and later turn out to be giant laser-type cannons, start to go off. Mike Cenzer and Billings (first name-?) walks by , mumbling something about the MetroEast and the Buggers (you figure it out). i find myself in a giant RV , I mean GIANT. like a monster-garage type RV that was welded together. on the side of it is a Homebrood Logo surrouned by the Ozone logo. the entrance reminds me of the 'Titty Twiser' bar in the flick from Dusk til Dawn. oh damn, if these crazy bitches get together then it's most definitely on. i realize this ,as i walk in to see the GATA handing out slinkies and Vicadin. 'a little something to take the edge off' i think to myself.

the inside of the RV is a mix between a danceclub and a Casino. firepoles, go-go cages, a runway and lots of game tables. with a variety of games going on. on one table i see Roger Crafts doing a knive and hand trick a la 'Aliens'. in the center is a large table and everyone is gathered around and fighting for a view. when i roll up, i see that Sam C-K has a little mallet and his pounding on the head of a little monkey (like in faces of death--i think i know why.). everyone is cheering and i'm thinking to myself, 'where the hell is the beer in this place?'.
I see Angela Lin and ask about drinks. she says that it's a box wine party ,and that if i know the password i can get my own box of franzia to myself.
sweet. what's the password?

'Mr. Poopy has done it again. 'she whispers in my ear.
WTF?What kind of password is that?


WAKEY WAKEY.

i'm confused, and embarrasing.

thanks for the diversion, chase

i'm chillin' at home when i get a call from Dan Hodges. He and Ben Wiggins have planned a sweet caper to steal some cash from a local bank. when Ben comes over he explains that one of the kids from MOHO left their cell phone at practice. It turns out to be the player's father's phone. and it has the bank codes on it. sweet.
we roll in dressed like it's Oceans 11 and pull some fancy stunts to get in the building. (lockpicking, laser jumping etc. ) .as we get ready to enter the vault, a huge ass doberman comes flying around the corner and it looks like it's ready for some death.
out of nowhere, Dan pulls off a Crocodile Dundee 'sleepy finger' move on the dog, and it passes out. sweet dan. when we crack into the safe, the banker's cell goes off. we get text messaged that it was a trap and the dude's dad walks out from inside the vault saying that the cops are on their way.
without thinking, Ben throws some ninja powder in his face while i give him the blackjack to the head. (those were always fun). we steal the loot and shove the fella in the trunk.
Dan is freaking out because he says we need an alibi (and if we get caught Claire would dump him) Ben has worked this out already. We're going to Spring Reign in Monroe (a middle school ultimate tournament) to lay low for a few hours. sweet.
when we get there, everything is going smoothly, Ben is talking about dumping the body in Lake Tye at night and we're biding our time. Matt 'Skip' Sewell comes up, and is freaking out. he needs a goaltimate kit pronto and says he left it in our trunk. shit. as he's heading to the car, a miracle happens when Chase Sparling-Beckley shows up and all the kids go nuts. He's got a sweet crowd of parents and kids around him and the diversion even has Skip's attention as Dan sneaks the car out of the parking lot. Chase is smiling and looking all grand (as usual), but he's sporting a hideous Swedish euro mullet complete with lame ultimate visor. NO! say it isn't so chase. people don't seem to matter as they worship this golden god.

WAKEY WAKEY.

i need to lay off the PBR's

flying cross chops, the ultimate weapon, and good ole Courtenay Barlow

i only slept 3 hours or so last night entertaining friends. (thanks allicia,kyoko,and ben) so not much comes of my wine-induced sleepytime. i got to work 40 minutes early and decided to recline my seat and take a little nappy poo in the parking garage. this little ditty is what i remember. short but sweet.



i'm back at Twin Falls High School, chillin near my locker. not too far from the gymnasium. when Carly Walker and Becky Jo Dodds (some of the down-to-earth 'popular' girls in my class) ask if i've talked to COURTENAY BARLOW yet. nope. they say she's finishing her experiments in the physics lab. I pretty much take off in a sprint. (i'm still happy that Courtenay is making her rounds in my dreams still.) when i get into the room she's hooked up some sort of mini-battery to some kid's braces and he's looking kind of worried. She smiles and says that she has something for me. a kiss would be nice, but no dice. she hands me what looks like a small water pistol that's empty. WTF?
she's says that i'm going to need it for the pep assembly skit. huh? she escorts me back to the gym and everyone is patting me on the back and saying good luck. shit, this doesn't look good.
as i walk through the gym doors, the whole school is in the bleachers and there is a giant wrestling ring in the center. inside the ring are Geoff Pierce and Jeff Shields. the two biggest, meanest ,Thunderdome-looking mooks in the history of TFHS (good thing i was friends with them in real life). even worse, they're dressed like the old school Road Warriors and they look pissed.
the next thing i know, i'm decked out just like STARMAN (from the NES game Pro Wrestling). now i'm being lead up to the ring by none other than Madeline Adams (the super hot temptress for Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years) and she's whispering that she thinks i look hot in pink spandex. arrrrghh.
when i get in the ring, my opponents attack. what seems to be instinctively, i throw a perfect 'flying cross chop' and knock them back for a few seconds while i reach for the small pistol that Courtenay gave me.
Just as they're coming in for the kill, i pull the trigger and pray. to my complete amazement, they start to barf. YES! all my dreams are coming true as i actually have, in my hands, a gun that will make someone hurl just by pointing it at them. The crowd is going nuts ,and i'm thinking to myself , ' I should totally ask Courtenay to the Sweetheart Ball'.

WAKEY WAKEY.


shit. just when things were starting to get good.

this game sucks....oh wait, that's my life.

i'm sitting at the Berkeley 'Disc House' pissed off because the place looks like someone threw up clothes and used dishes all over the living room. i hear a knock on the door, and it's one of the girls that used to live downstairs .(the crazy one that tried to molest Dan Hodges---sorry we left you buddy.) she asks if i can help her clean her carpet. as i head into her room, she says that she spilled a little wine on the floor. i see what is obviously dried blood splattered all over the wall and floor. As i sit, stuttering about a super mix of hydrogen peroxide and detergent (thanks, Gwen.) ,i see a small pipe and foot sticking out under the bed. Shit, this bitch really is a praying mantis! i'm trying to leave but she's getting closer talking about helping her finish a box of Chips Ahoy. she grabs me and tells me to stay. Her grip is like Terry Tate's. Out of desperation, i claim that i have a weak sphincter and that i might spackle my drawers if i don't head out. NOW. she looks disgusted and lets me out. i'm mildly embarrased, but it was worth it.
when i get upstairs Gabe is home and tells me that he found me a job. as we head downstairs, i see some other sucker talking to the crazy girl downstairs. she's cozy-ing up to him and i think' he's a goner'. I'm stoked because my Camaro is in the backyard and we hop in. (some may actually think that my Camaro is a figment of my imagination, however, others that read this blog might be able to back me up in the comments section. 'the shark' is silver. if you still don't believe, i can comfort you with a 'Suckit' and move on.) .
Gabe and I roll into some fancy looking offices as he describes the job. All we have to do is play some video games for 4-6 hours and we get paid 20 bucks an hour to do it. sweet.
we enter a small room with a fat game set-up and we see Ron Kubalanza being treated to a Jaegerbomb by a fairly attractive secretary type lady. WTF? Gabe says 'oh yeah, complimentary drinks." sweet. Ron's game is based on the movie 'The Hidden'. so basically he's an alien that gets to shoot up shit in a fast car with some hair metal playing in the background. He's pretty excited about it , and asks why i don't have a drink in my hand yet. i'm weaksauce, i guess. i can't wait to play my game. when i finally sit down to play my game a lady brings me a cold PBR and explains that my game is a real life simulator. basically i wake up, brush my teeth, get breakfast, and look on the internet for jobs and things. i get points based on the variety of foods and jobs i don't actually get. What the hell, this game sucks! she says that it's extremely popular in japan. shit, give me one of those bongo games or something. i ask for 2 more PBR's and sit down bitterly. WAKEY WAKEY.

there are no winners here.

i'm hanging out watching a movie at the 'frat house'. it's late ~11:00 or so. i get a call from my mom. she says i have to go to texas- NOW. shit. what happened? she won't say.
Gwen Ambler, the super pal that she is, lends me her car (again). i'm out the door to fill it up with gas. She says that the radio is broken, but she added a new feature to the dashboard. I get in 'the mean green machine' and find that only one song is playing. over and over. it's Tesla -- 'Signs'. shit.
i also notice that she has a green button on the steering wheel that says autopilot. Sweet.
i hit that shit and take a nap.
timejump. I roll into San Ignacio, Tx in the morning. it's the same shithole i remember as a kid. Hot, desolate, dirty. i'm trying to find my parents to find out what the hell is going on. i head for the convienence store. i head inside and grab a nice cold 'Big Red' (they didn't sell this shit in idaho when i was a kid. i only had it in texas.)
I hear a ruckus behind the store and it's a group of my cousins orchestrating a good ole fashioned cockfight. (popular in San Ygnacio). My cousin Eloy is cheering on his rooster who has just won. i say 'looks like he'll live to fight another day' . he responds, 'no hombre, he's cut' he sets it on the street and stomps on his head. ' There are no winners here. not in the fight. not in this town'. it hurts, because it's so fuckin' true. he tells me that my parents are at my Tio Juanito's house. so i walk to the backyard and see my mom and dad sitting together on the back steps. my dad is crying. he NEVER cries. what the hell is going on?

WAKEY WAKEY.


this one freaked me out a bit because it's pretty depressing in many ways. what the hell happened? or might happen? this doesn't bode well for me. I don't like it.

Bum Attack!

didn't get much sleep last night in the pup-tent
so it's a quick one.



i'm sitting in my room at the 'brat house' conversing with Laura Beach (sister of my friend and colleague Allicia Beach---both ridiculously HOT.) we're chatting about feudal japan and who might have been the greatest warlord. (i'm all for Oda Nobunaga).
All of a sudden, her eyes get big and she points to the backdoor. there's some vagrant slowly starting to enter through the unlocked door. it's a motherfuckin' Bum Attack! he's real slow like one of the zombies from Thriller, and the best thing about this bum is his attire.
This one is wearing ultimate apparel. one foot has a Nike Mercurial Vapor, the other, one of the old school Pony Eclipse Turfs (before my time). he's got some ratty pants on but he's wearing a soiled and torn Riot jersey. #13. Is that Shannon O'Malley? She's a goner. I dont' have time to ponder this shit.
i look around the room for my brass knuckles or folding knife. nothing.
Laura's freaking out and trying to hold the door shut. I grab a bottle of Aqua Net( what the hell?) and a lighter and light the fucker up. he takes off, Laura is looking at me like i'm the man. things are looking up.

WAKEY WAKEY

what am i supposed to do with these?

it's the first day of school at Twin Falls High School, and i'm looking for some of my friends. all the people i know (including optometry and ultimate) are roaming the halls. as i walk through the quad i see a few of my Sleeveless in Seattle (one of my Potlatch teams)teammates sitting at a table. It's Bryn Martyna, Matt Bruss, Andy Brown, and Tyson Park. Tyson says to me 'Whaaaats up? Nagga.' i ask if i can kick it before class starts and Andy and Matt lay into me for not playing with them at the last potlatch. they tell me to beat it. fuckers.
as i work my way down the hall, i see Katy Stout (my colleague and old optometry school classmate---she's VERY attractive) and we say our 'hello's'. she asks if i've seen Tricia Phan (another classmate) and i say 'no'. She tells me that she's a man-stealing trollop and tells me to 'watch out'. suprisingly it starts to hail. heavily.everyone is outside watching this because it's a bright sunny day. Katy looks to me and says 'that doesn't happen very often, it must be a sign' and kisses me.
holy shit! this is the best first day of school ever. she asks me to walk her home for lunch.
we get to her house and her mom and two little DK (dropkick) dogs come out yapping. mom looks me over and asks what's going on here. i say i was just walking her home and mom gives me the stink-eye. stupid moms. Katy tells me that it's not a big deal and asks me to come by later around 8 or so to 'study'.'you don't have to ask me twice', i say ,and turn back to school.

back at school, i'm late for an optometry practical and the instructors are waiting by the door for me with the timer. all i have to do is refract someone in 15 minutes. sounds easy enough. then i notice that there is no phoropter. no big deal. i'll use loose lenses. when i open up the drawer, all i see is a collection of different sized plastic spoons, a magic viewer, and a petzl head lamp.
what the fuck am i supposed to do with this? the instructor says 'begin'.
i'm shitting my pants. WAKEY WAKEY

Manowar plays ShopKo

i'm in a hotel room and i've just woken up. next to me, sleeping, is Rowan Sill (seems like our relationship is on better terms than it has been). i hear a quiet knocking and it's Will Henry telling me that him and Gwen Ambler are going to a hot tub to drink some PBR's. i'm in. so i slither out of bed and get some clothes on.
their hotel room doesn't connect to the pool area so we go through a hallway. when we get outside to the pool area it's freezing and we slide a glass door to get to the indoor hot tub. problem is, is that it's in someone's room and they're sleeping. oops.as we try to sneak out, one of the dudes wakes up. he's an older gentleman and he's wearing an embroidered condors logo. i try to smooth things out and say we got lost, but it's ok because i'm cool with the Condors. He says that he's Taylor's dad, and it's cool if we sit and chill. sweet.
not too long, a knock on the door and it's the Blackout Brigade (the young bunch of rowdy condor/black tide players)(the picture above is an actual picture of one of them dropkicking a bum on the beach in hawaii , at the Kaimana Klassic). they're shitfaced and want to start some shit. we decide to leave and as we're heading out one of them throws a beer at Gwen. Out of nowhere, Mark Stone jumps out of a bush and starts pounding on him. we have to pull berzerker Stone off of him.
WAKEY WAKEY.


short but sweet:
I'm in ShopKo looking for x-mas gifts. i'm fiddling around looking at CD players when i ask the service lady some technical questions. she seems uninterested in what i'm saying, as she keeps looking down the aisle. what's all the commotion? i look down the aisle and see none other the MANOWAR (heavy metal buttrock gods) setting up on stage right in the middle of ShopKo. Oh, damn! i get to the stage just as they start to play 'Triumph of Steel'. somehow i know all the words. WAKEY WAKEY.

my fiduciary is better than yours

i'm re-writing this because the original was almost done when Firefox took a huge shit and shut down. Suckit FireFox.


so i'm back at good ole Red's Trading Post (a small pawn and gun shop in Twin Falls, ID) looking around at the generally cool shit. i'm really into this box that claims it can attach wolverine-like claws. adamantium and everything. that's boss. just then the owner announces that his mom just came out of her coma and that everything is 75% off. Sweet. i walk out of the place with a huge backpack full of cool shit like ninja stars and a hunting rifle. as i exit the store, my mom rolls up in her car and offers me a ride. very convenient. a few blocks down the road, my mom broadsides an SUV while she's telling me about some old man that pissed himself next to her at the slots of the local casino. suprisingly , there is no damage to either car and as we're about to pull away a cop rolls up and is at her window. the cop sees my bag and asks to see what's inside of it. busted. Right then, my mom starts kicking out terms like 'fiduciary duty', 'indigent', and 'search warrant' on his ass. she's just warming up apparently. after destroying this dude like she was Matlock, he takes off. she says 'i guess those night classes to be a Paralegal are paying off''. nice work mom.
when we get home, my dad gives me a bunch of shit for buying so much crap that i didn't need. as he's pulling out contents of the bag, the rifle catches his eye and he claims that it's a very rare rifle. he offers to trade me for a mini-chopper motorcyle that he's just acquired and that is in the garage. sweet. as we walk to the garage he starts to give me the hard sell about getting married and having kids. no thanks. he says that i should shower up because he's hooked me up with a nice girl and i have to pick her up in 30 minutes. shit.
as i'm getting ready and driving to pick her up (she lives at the International House at Berkeley) the camera pans out and i see myself moving in a montage sort of way with the tune 'Cruel Summer' by Bananrama playing in the background (al la that scene in Karate Kid when he goes to school the first day.)
when i get to the I-house i of course get lost because it's HUGE. like Overlook Hotel huge. i finally find the elevator and hop in. i'm freakin' out because it starts to move side to side instead up and down and then a few more people get in. two more floors sideways and this electric grid of pipes comes down from the ceiling and everyone is dodging them like it's a normal thing. what the hell kind of elevator is this? when i finally get to the room the girl answers and it turns out toe be Sophie (this really hot, funny, intelligent, and rich woman that i dated from new zealand and then cheated on..........i'm sweet. not so much.). she looks at me and then says 'nice shoes'. i look down and notice that the track spikes i'm wearing definitely do not match the nice j-crew look i'm going for. shit. WAKEY WAKEY.

Scobel, control your rat son!

1)i'm pulling into the world famous Filer County Fair in asstastic Filer, Idaho (pop. 1700). I looking for a sweet booth game to waste all my money when i hear Mickey (the trainer from rocky- burgess meredith) hollerin' about shooting chicks. sounds good to me. as i roll up to the booth i see that he's manning the automatic BB gun rifle booth where you usually shoot out a red star for prizes. in this particular booth there were three of the most popular girls in my high school (Marcy Brown, Julie Reid, and Tami Baird) standing about 10 feet away. hanging from the booth above were the prizes. slabs of various types of meats. huge cuts of bacon and whatnot. so i look over to mickey and say ' what the hell type of prizes are these. where's the iron maiden banners and stuffed animals and shit?'. He tells me to stop being such a sally and to start shootin the broads. you don't have to ask me twice. these chicks have it coming. bap bap bap bap. they're trying to dodge and i can't help but smile a bit. Mickey is telling me that my aim sucks and trying to coach me through it. Shut the fuck up Mickey. Damn. just as i run out of BB's, Lou Burrus and Blaine Robbins run up to me holding an armful of stuffed bunnies and kittens and other super homo prizes. they say that we're going to be late for the stretch circle and plyos. As i look at my watch i think 'Shit. we have to play the condors in 20 minutes. WAKE UP.

2)At a tournament party BenWiggins comes up to me and says 'dude, tonight we're going HUGE. just make sure you have 500 bucks on your credit card.' what the hell? he takes off with a crazy look in his eyes shoving people as he barrels out of the door. i feel around in my pocket and find my black stilleto switchblade. i've somehow modified it to shoot out of the handle and i'm showing it to Dan Hodges (who is wearing Santa Claus bottoms) who takes it out of my hand and shoots it. he looks rather frightened when he hears a scream nearby and take off. Thanks Dan. i find out that the blade has cut open Cindy Mancini (the Main girl from Can't Buy Me Love) and she's crying. being the hero that i am i pour some Listerine on the wound and hand her a red Otter Pop that i had in the front pocket of my hoody. she looks at me and says that i'm much nicer than her Douchebag boyfriend. sweet. People in the party are starting to stream outside to some commotion. as i go in the front yard of the party house i see BenWiggins in a Firetruck and he's hitting parked cars and doing laps around the block horns ablazin' .police cars are following and a chopper is following him. He's losing his fucking marbles. I see his mom Scobel taking pictures, and ask her if she's concerned about this guy. She tells me to calm down and to get out of the way so she can get the shot. WAKEY WAKEY.

those damn ewoks!

So i'm back in the good ole dorms of Idaho State University.i'm late for a class that's being held in the bottom of the gym. Carbeurator Maintenance. When did i switch majors to Vocational tech? now i'm a Vo-tard. shit. anyhow i'm sprinting across the lawn trying to get to the gym which is literally across the street. when i see some of my ultimate buddies 'training'. by 'training' i mean that they have acquired some wetsuits and have filled the inside with sand or something to make them really heavy. i say something to the effect of 'sweet jersey, homo' when my friend replies 'dude, my forehand is like 150 yards now.' whatever.
as i enter the gym i have to pass my ID card by the card lady. (played by the evil old lady who played mama Fratelli in The Goonies) i show her my ID that has a picture of me from 1st grade on it. strange. as i run through the gym i see a small judo dojo. i peek in to see the guys from Jam and Furious George in full judo mode flippin' each other around. funny enough, the class is lead by Johnny from Karate Kid and he's lettin' Big Jim have it. i think that maybe i should look into the benefits judo. Kirk Savage leans out the door and whispers to me if i could move his car in the parking lot so he won't get a ticket. He says that it's the lime green Fiat in the front. Sweet Car, dude. i tell him 'no shot' and keep moving. when i finally get to class the instructor tells me that i didn't have to show today because i was scheduled to have an excused absense. sweet. i go back to the dorms. The frisbee guys are now doing a marker drill, but whacking the thrower for five seconds with a bamboo pole. i decide to keep moving. when i get to the front stairs Lora the housing director tells me i'm in charge of collecting tickets to the formal dinner we're having. suddenly i'm in a tux. early 90's eddie murphy Boomerang style. and i'm collecting tickets and money to enter the door.
people are streaming in, when i suddenly see a commotion near a small stand of trees near the door. people are huddling around a group of something. just then someone hands me a ticket that's obviously fake. Scalpers. i go to the spot and see a small group of Ewoks scatter through the yard. Those damn ewoks. i think in my head 'nothing changes.' (apparently this happens frequently in my universe) using my upper level thinking i whip out a Twinkie and lure one of the stupid ones in close. Gotcha, you sunuvabitch! I do what any normal person would do at this point. i'm choking it. just as i clamp on tight it starts to scream in a woman's voice 'let me go'!
i'm confused and stop. the ewok pulls out a little dog whistle and calls all the other ewoks over to me. we're out of the public view at this point, and she asks me if i can keep a secret. suddenly, they're unzipping out of ewok garb and out pop these full-sized, full bodied smokin' fuckin' hot model type women. What the balls? they explain that this is a what some models do for side work when they need some cash and don't want to do porn. i have two questions for them. i ask "first, what the hell are you doing in pocatello? second, how do you fit in those little furry costumes?. She says that Pocatello weather is good for their skin and the answer to the second question was "don't worry about it.". you bitch. WAKEY WAKEY

Courtenay Barlow, you got to go!

for those of you unfamiliar with my handwritten dreamlog or prior dreams, there are alot of recurring characters and themes. particularly Courtenay Barlow. She was my biggest crush in junior high and high school. way too classy and from a much better upbringing than myself, her looks had me ensorcelled. you know the feeling, music playing in my head when she was near, tongue swells up when you attempt to talk to her.
she was my Beatrice, but i am no Dante.
anyhow. i think this dream is a testament to finally growing up and getting over your pipe dreams. and how much your friends mean to you.

i'm living in an apartment with Will Henry and next door we see someone moving in. Holy shit, it's Courtenay Barlow. i'm suprised to say the least and we catch up. i'm seriously out of my gourd trying to collect myself. Will comes up with a great idea of having a 'welcome to the apartment complex' dinner that night and we start to get some things. later that night at her place(somehow she unpacked and it looks lived in all in one afternoon), we're having a few drinks before dinner. things are looking up and she seems super eager to meet us and catch up with me. sweet. at one point she starts playing the stand-up Bass and Will starts playing the Oboe. I tune in with the Ukelele and we're jammin'.Will, the pal that he is, takes off and Courtenay and I are really kickin' out the jams. afterward she smiles and says we're a great coupling. Zoiks!
People start to trickle in, BenchWiggins,Lina,Shannon O Malley, Gwen, Mir. as well as some of her friends. Imagine some Trendy socialites just in from the Hamptons. As we're having dinner i can hear Courtenay whispering to her friends that we still play child's games and none us really have any education.
What the fuck? I basically confront her and her friends in the middle of the dinner. i ask if they've ever been the best at something in their life? best in the city?state?country?world? if so, did they miss that feeling. I make a speech about the intelligence and athleticism of our dinnermates and Courtenay doesn't bat an eye. I stand up and excuse myself from dinner saying that she's not the person i thought she was. in a classy type motion i walk out of the apartment and WAKEY WAKEY.


Although i'm sad it had to be like that, i'm sure Ms. Barlow will make a few more guest appearances in my dreams. I'm hoping to fall under the spell of someone more tangible soon. i'm embarrasing.

Mr. Allen's wife thinks i'm hot

1) Gabe Saunkeah and I are in a car on a road trip. Our car is a classic hoopty- cierra cutlass brougham.
we're driving over huge ass boulders like in Moab, and i'm thinking ' how in the hell are
we not flipping over. i'm getting pissed at Gabe because he doesn't care if we die or not.
We park next to a sharp ledge over a lake and are checking out the natural beauty when our
car (which Gabe did not use the e-brake) slides into the water. As it's sinking i'm getting
more and more pissed because i borrowed Lina's super expensive sleeping bag and it's in the backseat.
out of nowhere, Mr. Allen (my phys ed teacher in high school--a super cock that still
dreams of his glory years playing second fiddle to Randall cunningham)and his family pull up
He has a pretty attractive young wife and two fairly cute kids. while gabe and Mr. Allen
start to get our crap out of the car, i'm stuck hanging with the family. His wife tells me
how she always wanted to be a dancer before she got pregnant. oops. (in the story she uses the
phrase ' he always burns on me' (makes fun of me) i think it's a pretty white trash thing to say.)
we're sharing stories and i tell her how i gave up being a surgeon to play frisbee and we
start to connect a bit. after saving our sleeping bags we strap them onto two fat tired BMX
bikes and start to actually ride on the water to the other side of the lake. As we're
leaving, Mr. Allen takes me aside and says in a curt manner, ' Next time, i'll bring
my 15 year old daughter so you can try to nail HER.' i always hated that guy. jerkoff.

WAKEY WAKEY.

2)My dad own's a small little pawn shop called Red's Trading Post and i'm looking around the shop.
he has some really cool stuff like some mexican wrestler figurines and an exact replica
of the 'Glave' from the movie KRULL. (it's a super sweet ninja sawblade looking thing).
i'm looking through a huge box of 8 track tapes looking for the Creedence Clearwater
Revival mardis gras album. no luck. under the 8 tracks is an old dusty scrapbook.
when i look inside it's full of strange newspaper clippings mostly covering a massacre
of black folks that happened in the south. the pictures are pretty morbid with dead people
in literal piles surrounding small lakes that look like swimming holes (rope swings and everything)
the fucked up thing about it is that these little white trash kids (think Gummo) are playing around
and with the corpses. i think to myself 'jesus, that water must reek'. my cell phone goes off
and it's COURTENAY BARLOW. she wants to meet for lunch. Yes!

WAKEY WAKEY

that was heavy. whatever happened to dreams with boobies?

what's up- - chuck norris?

nappy time-

I'm visiting some friends from out of town and we're at a local house party. i don't really know anyone so i'm sitting in the living room watching T.V.- - they're showing this really weird documentary on a Reality show that was apparently cursed. one chick O.D.'s on smack during the pilot. another woman is accidently asphyxiated during a behind closed doors sex scene. One of the house mates is a 50-60 year old dirty old man that looks like a wino. he apparently rapes a small girl and gets tossed in the clink. the girl jumps into a frozen lake 2 weeks later.--- at this point i'm like ' this is fucked up' and get up to grab a beer. looking for the keg i accidently walk into a small utility closet. inside ,i see a crouching Osama Bin Laden and he gives me the 'Shhhhhhh' motion.
i give him a wink and step out. yeah right. i go to look for a phone to call the fuzz. as i'm walking into the living room a girl asks me if i'm Idaho. I say sure and she says some dude is looking for me and is pissed off. what the hell? i don't live here. about 3 more people say the same shit as i head for the garage. As i step into the garage, my buddy Josh Klinsky gives me the same rap about some dude wanting to kick my ass. he hands me a comic book entitled "CHUBBY SATAN"
he says to look on the back page. on the back is an ad for Count Dante and his Deadly Dim Mak Death Finger. under the ad is his cell phone number so i can call in an emergency. i tell my friend to relax and step away. suddenly, i'm confronted by Chuck Norris and he's pissed. I tell him that there isn't any reason for us to brawl. He says he has to avenge his dead son (shows me a picture---his son is the blonde kid from the movie LadyBugs(jonathan brandis) and that it is all explained in an ancient text called the "AA-Donh". whatever the hell that means. I tell him that he's lost his mind, and that Bruce Lee really kicked his ass in "Way of the Dragon".
I turn around to leave hoping i don't get sucker punched. WAKEY WAKEY

Moho, drugs, and girls full of stupid

i'm sitting at home working on the computer when i get a phone call. someone (shannon o' malley) whispers 'Moho's pissed and they're coming to kill you! what the hell? why would a bunch of juniors ultimate players be pissed enough to kill me? i look out my window and see a bunch of bumbling and giggling people scrambling through the yard. they all have on black and white Moho jerseys with creepy ass Aphex Twin- Come to Daddy masks on and a gun or knife in their hand. i grab my switchblade and hunker down under my desk waiting for one of those fuckers to come close enough to stick. one of them slithers into my room and says, " 'cool' check out this jersey. it's mine now!". it's matt knowles sure enough. as he sits at my computer looking through files i grab his ankle and start to slice his achilles tendon. 'give me the keys to your car, or you'll be fall league at best for the rest of your life!'. he hands me the keys and i bust out the back door. stupid moho.
i've apparently driven to the nearest mall in Idaho and as i'm walking through see my old friends Kirk Black and Grant Porter. Grant asks me if i'm coming to his cabin for the party. he reminds me that Courtenay Barlow will be there. Sign me up. I get in kirk's van and we roll toward Stu Hoag's house to pre-party. ahhhh the good ole days. on the way kirk pulls out a bag with about an ounce of weed and says 'whaddya think of these apples'. i remind kirk that he is mormon with a mormon family and mormon kids. stupid mormons. he says 'fuck em. i like to bend the rules a bit.' good ole kirk. as we drive towards Stu's house we see Maria Grigorieva with literally a stick with a hankerchief full of shit hanging off of it. i get kirk to stop and maria's crying because her boyfriend just kicked her out of the house. (her boyfriend is named Steve).'jesus, maria, get yourself together' she keeps crying and we pull her into the van. we stop at a swap meet because kirk desperately needs to pick up a virgin mary dashboard ornament. weirdo. that's a catholic thing. as we're walking through the flea market he accidently drops his huge sack of weed and security catches an eyeful of it. kirk makes a break for it and that's the last i see of him. Maria and I decide to take a bus home and she's still sad. when we get home, my phone rings and it's some dude. he wants to talk to maria. he asks me who the fuck i am and in normal fashion give him my favorite line of ' you called here ass face who the fuck are you'. i tell him i need a name besides 'douchebag', so i can tell maria who it is, and he gets huffy puffy about it. i tell him that i hope he dies cold and lonely and had the phone to maria saying 'it's your cro-mag boyfriend'. after a few minutes maria starts crying and and says that she forgives him and is coming back home. she says that it's all her fault and that she'll be the best girlfriend he's ever had. I think in my head that her extra x chromosome is jam-packed with stupid. WAKEY WAKEY.

i wake up disgusted.

up to my neck in behavior modification

1) at some kooky optometry program about 60-70 of us are led to some gigantic office building in the middle of the night. i don't really know any of them so i'm just playing it cool. there are 10 or so 'undercover' testers that are asking us questions about how we feel and some current events in optometry. the first room i'm led to is dark and everyone is laying on the floor. one girl tells me that i have to have both palms on the floor. i tell her to 'eat rocks' because that's stupid and everyone in the room (12 people or so) go 'OOOOOOOOOOOh'. i take off because they're freaking me out. as i step into the next room it's pitch black and one of the testers asks me what i think about my tie i have on. I said it's okay, but i might be gay because it has too many flowers on it. he asks me for my license and i said i'm not really willing to give it to him. i leave the room for the stairs because i'm ready to blow this joint. as i leave he screams for my name and i yell 'it's Phil Dexter you douchebag'!
in the stairwell i see Julia Stiles of all people having a cigarette (it's the rounder faced julia from 10 Things I Hate AboutYou) i'm suprised she's at this and ask her if she's an optometrist. she says no but likes to hang out at these things. i tell her that she can afford to be strange because she was the shit in 'Save the Last Dance' (it's a lie). she says i'm cute and offers to kiss me. i pull out a small bottle of Listerine i happen to have in my pocket and tell her it's her lucky day. WAKEY WAKEY

2)I'm at a family gathering and there is a ton of food and i'm hungry. right next to the food table are 6 of my uncles buried up to their necks in the ground. next to their heads is a long food trough. my aunts are pouring food into the troughs and the uncles are eating it like hogs. WTF?
my aunt tells me that she can get to work on digging my hole if she wants and i tell her that she's out of her mind. she says all the males in the family 30 and over have to do it. I tell her that this is the reason that our family is so poor. because we have traditions for doing stupid shit like this. she follows up by calling me a VENDIDO. i tell her i'm outta here and that i won't be coming back because i'm a SOPHISTICATE. WAKEUP.

3)i'm at a super military training facility. we're doing tons of crazy exercises and i'm thinking i should be writing this stuff down for ultimate season. my colleagues are the guys from "Remember the Titans'. I'm paired up with Gerry Bertier and we're kicking the other guys' asses in the physical challenges. after a few days of hard training we're picked for a special assignment and we're riding to our briefing site in this cherried-out Hummer. i'm impressed because it has an ice cold Jaegermeister tap in the backseat. yum. when we get to the briefing site we're told that we're going to try a new type of bomb on the city of Burley, Idaho. I'm like 'wait a second, i have friends there' the colonel responds by asking me what has Burley ever done for me. ' well , they have the WhiteTrash regatta every july or whatever'. the colonel agrees. we decide to compromise on destroying Rigby, Idaho because we both feel the same way about mormons. i continue my training feeling a little better about things..... WAKEY WAKEY.

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